I think I'm ready I think
I know I'm ready I know
I think I'm ready I think
I know
I'm ready to go
Some two weeks ago, I made a clear-cut choice between leaving and staying. For the most part of last month, I was itching to go and take my chance somewhere else. And this song has been beckoning me since. I wanted to leave, partly out of vindication and dissatisfaction, and partly because I want to test myself and see how far I can go in a field that is completely different from what I know and have been doing for the past almost-four years.
This Millennial disillusionment, they call it. That which makes this generation yearn for more beyond regular paychecks and affiliation with reputable institutions. To be fair though, our paychecks are probably worth less than the Boomers' during their time. Couple this with responsibilities beyond your control, and the world going crazy and violent and really stupid, it's hard to feel contentment.
I was the only one to get accepted out of the five applicants that day, I was told. The day after, I got the offer. I asked for a few days to think. That weekend, it was all I thought of. I weighed all the pros and cons, over and over. Asked my friends for advice. Asked my superior. (Of course, she persuaded me to stay.) Considered why I thought of leaving, why I applied for another job in the first place.
I wanted change and independence. I was looking for mentorship and meaning in my work. I was looking for a solid leadership and a bigger organizational vision. Mostly, I was holding on to a grudge. I don't need to be here as much as you need me. You guys better get your shit together. Some people just want to watch the world burn, a friend said. :))
Staying meant dealing with the same things again, for the foreseeable future. It meant stability for now, in this turbulent period of extended transition. (Sigh.) It meant staying with the people I have come to consider as friends. It meant having the chance to help change things that I find problematic. It meant the powers that be recognizing that more people have to step up. Otherwise, refusing to accept people's resignation letters won't hold things together anymore.
This was a big choice for me, probably the most explicit I have to deal with since I chose my college degree program. I chose to stay. I had to consider a lot of factors, and I know that leaps of faith require you to take the chance despite the possibility of discomfort and failure. I have, however, proven to myself that I can take on the challenge if I set my mind to it.
Self-actualization is a struggle, this generation's status symbol. It doesn't matter how far ahead you are in the money and assets (or even family-building) game, it seems. It's more fulfilling to be able to pursue a passion, be good at it, and contribute to society.
It's been two weeks now. Things are a little better. I am still on
the hunt for better opportunities, better ways to use my skills to
serve the public (really). I have things to look forward to, and goals I
plan to achieve in the next few years. I intend to stop beating myself
up and focus my energy on improving, improving, improving. When
opportunity knocks again, I will be ready to answer the call.
As
the office mate I look up to keeps saying, your choice today affects
what you will become tomorrow. What you are today is the result of the
choices you have made yesterday. People can't blame their circumstances
or fate. Everyone had to make choices, and you have to own up to those. I can't say now if I was right to stay. But one thing is certain: I have to live with the choice I made and make the most out of it.
