Catching up with the two's and five's and one's of 2015: 25

I have officially been 25 years old for the last three months. Despite 25 being just a number, it really is some sort of a checkpoint for me. "Mid-20's" sounds different from, and weighs much more than, just "20's." I am not the most forgiving person, most especially of myself, and so almost every day since I turned 25, I have been chastising myself for not being able to be who I imagined myself to be at this age. #quarterlifecrisis indeed. *heavy sigh*

But Neil Gaiman, in his previous New Year's wish, told people to 

Be kind to yourself in the year ahead.

Remember to forgive yourself, and to forgive others. It's too easy to be outraged these days, so much harder to change things, to reach out, to understand.

Try to make your time matter: minutes and hours and days and weeks can blow away like dead leaves, with nothing to show but time you spent not quite ever doing things, or time you spent waiting to begin.

Meet new people and talk to them. Make new things and show them to people who might enjoy them.

Hug too much. Smile too much. And, when you can, love.

I am guilty of excusing myself for not doing things, because as the eldest in the family, I have to take into consideration others first before I decide on things for myself. I now figured that aside from giving in to the detrimental habit of blaming circumstances, such mindset also takes away my agency. So, in my bid to be kind(er) to myself this year, I will endeavor to look at things on a different light. Instead of telling myself that being a sort of a breadwinner inhibits me to pursue the things I want for myself, I shall consider myself instrumental in the little joys and victories we achieve. Now, we have an engineer in the family and the young'uns are growing up to be decent kids. We have a long way to go but we're not doing so bad. :)

It is going to be tough, what with the weight being so often placed on my shoulder. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm being forced to disregard the things I want for myself. It's hard not to feel deprived of the choices others seem to have, which leads me back to making excuses for myself.

So instead, I will forgive myself. I will forgive myself for not being able to do things I want to because of one reason or another. Not excusing myself though. But forgiving myself helps me recognize that some things are beyond my control. At the same time, it also allows me to recognize that I have (and made) my own lapses. And that the only way to deal with it is to do better next time. 

It's going to be hard. And even now, I still fall into little bouts of despair because I never seem to be getting anywhere still. But when I consider what happens outside my own bubble, I know I have already made things happen–whether because of grit or  kindness, or of hard work or courage, of understanding, or all of the above.

I shan't be too hard on myself, but I won't settle either. "Hustle, but be kind," is what I will tell myself moving forward.

And as Neil said, create.  And, when you can, love.

Catching up with the two's and five's and one's of 2015: 12

The eleventh twelfth month of the year (and the first month ostensibly so) is really the busiest.

At work, we had a little too much fun (and effort) decorating our office for the Christmas decor contest in the Department. It was funny how the mechanics called for only recycled materials to be used, but we spent some thousands painting and putting all of them together. Haha. The Department Christmas party, my second (since the supposed first one was cancelled in light of the disaster wrought by Typhoon Yolanda), is the last one with the same group of senior leaders. Our bosses, and maybe the way Christmas parties are held, will be different come 2016. Our office also participated in a fellowship where, as was last Halloween, we presented a "number." Despite winning just the second place, I can definitely say we all enjoyed preparing for it. The Department also had a special free screening of Heneral Luna for the employees, which I think was a really good holiday treat for everyone who watched.

Aside from the Christmas parties at work, I also accompanied Gabriel to the Christmas dinners and get-togethers he had for his work and friends. It was really nice to be able to meet (and interact and play games with and exchange gifts with and enjoy the company of) Gabriel's colleagues and friends.

For 2015, our relatives on my father's side had an impromptu Christmas reunion. Originally, our family would just be visiting our grandmother in Marikina. But the rest of the company showed up as well, and we had food delivered. The pamangkins (excluding the working ones huhuhu :))) got their aguinaldo, and the tito's and the tita's caught up on the tsikas. I almost didn't join the folks for the visit, wanting to just stay at home. I'm glad I did, considering that one of my tito's and his family would be migrating to the US early this 2016.

Our high school barkada, meanwhile, took advantage of Gabriel's hospitality and held our year-end get-together at his house. Haha. There we played games, and played games, and stuffed our faces with food. We called up Gellie in Japan and had her update us on her life abroad. She's getting married this year! We had a blast over our Secret Santa gifts, and since it was the eve of Claire's birthday, we got her a cake and some bullying. :)) It was fun, even if we weren't complete. I guess it will still be a long time before we ever get complete again. But I am grateful, as always, for another year of friendship with the most fun and wonderful people I ever had the opportunity to meet.

For the New Year (I'm including it here, since it's part of the Holiday hullabaloo), we had our traditional annual reunion on my mother's side. It's amazing how the tradition is being upheld for as long as I can remember. We had lots of food (and amazing cakes, man) and laughter and chatter. Because many of the "kids" from way back when are now adults earning their keep, it was fun how us cousins were giving aguinaldo to our fellow cousins. It was a riot, as always, and I wouldn't trade the rowdiness of our reunions every New Year's Day for anything.

It was also this December that Gabriel and I celebrated the first anniversary of our "official" relationship. But more on that on a separate post. :))