What do I do when I get lonely? What do I do?

The world wont listen to this song
And the radio wont play it
But if you like it sing along
Sing 'cause you don't know how to say it  

— Stars, Hold On When You Get Love And Let Go When You Give It 

Sometimes, I'd ask the empty air,

"Oble, are you proud of me now? Or will I make you proud at all, ever?"

Happy birthday, UP.

Retail Therapy

My latest hoard

I was supposed to buy books to give to the interns but I ended up buying them for myself. Their presence on my shelf makes me feel a little less shitty these days.

Yes, I still buy Sidney Sheldon books when I can, if only to tick them off my bucket list. I won't say I don't like him anymore, claim that "it was just a phase." I owe the man quite a lot, and I did enjoy his books for what they're worth. Back when I was still in high school and trying out new things to read, my highly-impressionable teen self looked up to his heroines.

And yes, I am (still) a sucker for YA books.

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Perhaps it is indeed time I began to look at this whole matter of bantering more enthusiastically. After all, when one thinks about it, it is not such a foolish thing to indulge in--particularly if it is the case that in bantering lies the key to human warmth.  

-- Kazuo Ishiguro, The Remains of the Day

I'm too emo for my own good

You know that feeling of just being plain tired of doing everything in your capacity to help and be useful to everyone and all the time, tired from all the burden heaped on you that you just want to sleep and sleep until somebody else decides to take over because nofuckingone ever thought of helping you while you're doing your best to take everything in stride, until you suddenly can't.

Or that feeling of heaviness of not being to tell anybody about the cause of your sullenness underneath the facade of being perfectly just fine, that you think it's just too cumbersome to explain things even to the closest of your friends and they probably wouldn't get it anyway, and no one probably will, that feeling of wanting to drag out the proper words--straight, direct, unapologetic--out from your throat and out of your lips, and you'd realize it just doesn't matter, it's simply not enough for them to care or understand, not enough for you to bother explaining, and then you don't.

Or maybe of that sense of feeling terrible because you feel like you've been too full of yourself, that you're just making a fuss out of the littlest of things (no matter how many of them have been heaped upon you over time), of feeling that your negative thoughts are being channeled to the people around you because you're such a (silent) bitchy (internally) whiny person, no matter how quiet and expressionless you try to be when you feel overwhelmed by everything, and you want to even out your emotions and reasoning, but you can't, not anymore.

Or that feeling of being just empty, like you've been stretched yourself thin and far, that you always have to be the one to give, understand, compromise, be the dependable one, that you have to be somebody stronger and more capable than you are, that feeling of giving everything you have to be the image of you constructed by everybody else that you almost feel you have nothing left of you for yourself.

And you want things to be better, to demand less (nothing) from people while you give everything you can, to feel that you're actually allocating your efforts for things that will make you be what you needed and wanted to be, to go beyond yourself.

But you can't. And you're just tired and empty that you've given in to tears. And you hate yourself for being so weak.