Catching up with the two's and five's and one's of 2015: 25

I have officially been 25 years old for the last three months. Despite 25 being just a number, it really is some sort of a checkpoint for me. "Mid-20's" sounds different from, and weighs much more than, just "20's." I am not the most forgiving person, most especially of myself, and so almost every day since I turned 25, I have been chastising myself for not being able to be who I imagined myself to be at this age. #quarterlifecrisis indeed. *heavy sigh*

But Neil Gaiman, in his previous New Year's wish, told people to 

Be kind to yourself in the year ahead.

Remember to forgive yourself, and to forgive others. It's too easy to be outraged these days, so much harder to change things, to reach out, to understand.

Try to make your time matter: minutes and hours and days and weeks can blow away like dead leaves, with nothing to show but time you spent not quite ever doing things, or time you spent waiting to begin.

Meet new people and talk to them. Make new things and show them to people who might enjoy them.

Hug too much. Smile too much. And, when you can, love.

I am guilty of excusing myself for not doing things, because as the eldest in the family, I have to take into consideration others first before I decide on things for myself. I now figured that aside from giving in to the detrimental habit of blaming circumstances, such mindset also takes away my agency. So, in my bid to be kind(er) to myself this year, I will endeavor to look at things on a different light. Instead of telling myself that being a sort of a breadwinner inhibits me to pursue the things I want for myself, I shall consider myself instrumental in the little joys and victories we achieve. Now, we have an engineer in the family and the young'uns are growing up to be decent kids. We have a long way to go but we're not doing so bad. :)

It is going to be tough, what with the weight being so often placed on my shoulder. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm being forced to disregard the things I want for myself. It's hard not to feel deprived of the choices others seem to have, which leads me back to making excuses for myself.

So instead, I will forgive myself. I will forgive myself for not being able to do things I want to because of one reason or another. Not excusing myself though. But forgiving myself helps me recognize that some things are beyond my control. At the same time, it also allows me to recognize that I have (and made) my own lapses. And that the only way to deal with it is to do better next time. 

It's going to be hard. And even now, I still fall into little bouts of despair because I never seem to be getting anywhere still. But when I consider what happens outside my own bubble, I know I have already made things happen–whether because of grit or  kindness, or of hard work or courage, of understanding, or all of the above.

I shan't be too hard on myself, but I won't settle either. "Hustle, but be kind," is what I will tell myself moving forward.

And as Neil said, create.  And, when you can, love.