I feel like Stargirl.

Will this end up as a tragedy, too?

Twenty Thirteen: Tickets, Transitions, and Testing the Waters

The last two months of 2013 witnessed a constant stream of reaffirmation of my connections with different groups of people. Despite the seeming routine in my daily life now, I know that I am still in a limbo, unsure of what to do next, anxious of things falling into a helpless disarray any moment. Reconnecting with people from the more "stable" and "definite" phases of my life, I guess, is like a reprieve from the uncertainty of the present.

In 2013, I changed jobs, surprisingly adapted well to the new environment (or so I hope), found new shows to follow, attended concerts of two favorite bands (I couldn't believe I was able to see live), watched as many theater shows and movies as I could, met new friends, discovered new books and authors to read, listened to new music, strengthened bonds with people who matter, pondered about the next step to take.

2013 has been the first full year I've been out of college, away from the haven of the Diliman campus. It has also been a year marked with indecision, with insecurities, with plans that never materialized, with books unread, with thoughts unwritten and unsaid, with disappointments, self-constraints and crippling doubts. I know that it hasn't been actually a productive year in terms of travels taken, of tangible outputs, nor of achievements and obstacles overcome.

But in the past year, I guess I opened myself more to the idea of capturing and embracing what the present has to offer as well as welcoming change. Upon introspection, I realized that compared to the previous years, I became  more eager to take and hold on to things as they come, to not let opportunities and once-in-a-lifetime chances pass me by. Yet, I also strive to be receptive of doing things that I'm not accustomed to, of lowering my defenses a bit to give way to new ideas and experiences.

As 2014 begins, I hope this openness in the face of transitions continue. I hope I will continue to be less afraid to test the waters and make mistakes. I hope the bonds I've made and will make with people flourish. I hope I get to see more of the world in the form of art to appreciate, of new skills to learn, of adventures to be had.

Lima

Dahil ano pa ba ang maaari nating panghawakan

Kung hindi ang mga taon, mga tao, mga pagkakataon

Na pinagsamahan, na nakasama,

Na pinagdaanan ng sama-sama.

At sa hindi naiwasang paglisan,

Bibilangin sa kamay ang panahong magdadaan.

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From being scraggy, scraggly high schoolers to being confused yet resolute semi-adults, we have been with each other through the years and have been so used to each other's presence that I, for myself, didn't bother to connect to new people when we separated for college... because I know I have these guys, and they have me. I therefore find it hard to wrap my mind around the idea that one of us will not be as easily reached as always, that he won't be with us during our dinners, our movie night-outs, our out-of-town trips.

Because this is what having your closest friends within one-to-two-kilometer radius of where you live makes you get used to--a sense of constancy, of dependence, of familiarity, of indifference to the changes outside. 

And yet, this is a change that takes place within, so how do we deal? Maybe we shouldn't. Maybe we don't need to. Because what's a handful of years and twelve thousand kilometers, compared to every little and big thing that held us together?

And yes, this is me wishing. This is me hoping. This is me willing the universe to make it so.

Untitled [11]

"Ender, come see me. China's a beautiful country. More variety inside China than in the rest of the world." 

"I will if I can," said Ender. He didn't have the heart to point out that China was full of human beings, and that the mix of good and bad, strong and weak, courageous and fearful was bound to be about the same as in any other country or culture or civilization... or village, or house, or heart. 

—  Orson Scott Card, Ender in Exile

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I'm really enjoying this sort-of accidental find of a series. Ender Wiggin is as good a child hero character as it gets. ASA<3!

patlang

kailangan bang punuan
ang napakaraming patlang
o hayaan na lamang
na wala itong laman?